FIVE REASONS TO PIE JENNIFER

1. She parallel parks by pulling forward first.
2. Annoyingly won’t share the credit card info.
3. Moved to NYC and left us.
4. Somehow still bosses us around in Alabama even though she lives 1,000 miles away.
5. We can't impeach her, but we CAN pie her!

FIVE REASONS TO PIE KIM

1. Just trust us on this one.
2. We can't legally disclose the other four reasons.
3. Multiple people requested this. We are protecting their identities.
4. She knows what she did.
5. This is cheaper than therapy.

FIVE REASONS TO PIE MACY

1. She ran 48.6 miles for the Dopey Challenge without training. Clearly her judgment can't be trusted.
2. Her nickname is “Fobbus 5 Head.” Big forehead means large target area.
3. Could buy a tiny house with her transactions on DoorDash.
4. She has spent more time making Canva graphics than talking to her family.
5. She thinks 5 minutes late means she's early.

FIVE REASONS TO PIE EMILY

1. Coaches children's soccer like she's preparing for the World Cup.
2. ESPN gave her an award (Hall of Fans). We are giving her a pie.
3. Has more opinions than Nick Saban at a press conference
4. She's used to calling the shots. Today we're taking ours.
5. No referee can save her from this penalty.

FIVE REASONS TO PIE STEVEN

1. His three daughters deserve to see this.
2. We asked who deserved a pie and his name came up suspiciously fast.
3. Escaped the associate board for an entire year and voluntarily came back. Questionable judgement.
4. He thought this was golf club. Nobody's corrected him.
5. He knows all about pi, but we're about to introduce him to pie.

FIVE REASONS TO PIE LANE

1. He's been asking people for money for years. Now we're asking people to pay to throw things at him.
2. He's the executive director. We deserve executive level of revenge.
3. Thinks a relaxing weekend means only answering 50 phone calls.
4. Bought an entire company just to get out of answering our group texts.
5. He's used to yelling FORE! Today he'll be yelling MORE! (pie, that is)